Friday, October 29, 2004 haiz....sian man...went 2 sch todae 2 get results...much as i prayed n hoped 2 b on honour roll...my hopes were dashed n rolled away...ok fine...2 sae im not envious wld b fake....im realli fed up....how can those pple make it n i dun....WTH lor...i noe pple out dere surely will tell me my results so gd liao....b contented n try harder next time....haiyo...its an expectation problem thingy...initially a bit sad n disappointed...but now im gettin sadder n more disappointed....cum 2 tink of it....i shld b dere up on honour roll lor...y e heck am i left out again....mid years wanted 2 b dere but din make it coz failed maths....now i got a B for maths...drastic improvement liao...still din make it.....wah kaoz.....sounds unforgivable....wat shit lor....i jus feel like screaming at myself....but im like so loss 4 words liao....isit coz i study not enuf...or wat e heck went wrong...or isit my improvements not enuf coz every1 is also improving wif me too.....haiz.....i noe tt self-improvement is most impt....as long as got improvement veri gd liao....but den whu dun wan 2 b on honour roll lor?!? i was so near yet so far again....e feelin sux veri badly! mayb i shld not b jus focusing on gettin into honour roll n 4get all about e other tings....BUT CANNOT....i cant bring myself 2 forget it.....everybody ard me r like askin..."hey...u got into honour roll or not?"....wah kaoz.....i wld luv 2 tell dem "yes of coz".....but no chance....feel like ive let u guys down again....haiz....foolish silly me....shld nt b feelin dis wae....but I CANT HELP IT! my parents were like so anxious 2 noe bout e honour roll outcome too....esp mommy....haiz.....sad 2 c her a little disappointed too.....though she still encouraged me n sae tt honour roll isnt wat tt matter most but tt i passed can alreadi....but i noe she mus b damn disappointed...i wanted 2 make daddy n her proud again....but ive nt done so leh....damn it......shitified feeling...yucks! my tutor came over 2 me 2 congratualate me n he said dis..."well i've nuthin much 2 sae but impressive work indeed..well done...congrats!"......even e principal also left a post-it on my results slip 2 congratualate me....but...haiz......sorrie 2 sae i've not impressed myself.....
im jus a sad gal todae...:(
& Monokuro Boo ;
5:07 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004 jus came back frm o4A5 class chalet...rubbish bunch of pple indeed...haha...but at least i had fun...jus read my A5 class blog....hmmm...true true...veri true...glad tt i went 4 e chalet....din realli noe my present classmates well but after dis chalet i guess most of us got 2 noe each other betta in sum waes...4 me...e chalet turned out 2 b quite fun...at 1st i was still worried tt i cant relate 2 dem but it turned out well n fine....so much nonsense n crap...but i cld onli stay 4 1 nite coz i got church on sundae morning....had emcee duty 2 do so cant stay if not sure cant make it 2 church coz i was dressed veri sloppily...hahaha...mayb dis chalet actualli gaf me a different perspective i had of 04a5...i din realli like 2 b part of e class but i guess its not tt bad afterall....nice bunch of pple...not tt im particulary close 2 any1 in class but at least on e whole A5 is a fun n dumb class...mayb i cannot always take 03a6 as a comparison....both classes haf their own gd n bad qualities....in A5 i found my academic abilities...in A6 i found lotsa fun n frens too...mayb in life dere isnt much of a choice afterall....yupz God gaf man e ability 2 make choices but i tink up 2 a certain extent choices r still rather limited....but i still believe tt God noes wats best 4 me....i'll leave it 2 Him 2 tell me wats best 4 me....its sumtimes hard 4 me 2 accept God's decision 4 me....no doubt i always doubt n question Him....always resist wat He tells me is best....but over time i try 2 accept it....n God noes...heehee...
a difference in my life now as compared 2 b4 is i haf God wif me now...life is so different wif Him ard....dun believe me go tok 2 pple whu haf God in their lives n those w/o Him....u will c e difference...He gaf me so much hope n taught me how 2 c a lot of tings frm different perspectives...1 gd example is learning how 2 care n share.....as e onli child in my family...i grew up being kinda self-centred n selfish...i mean i was like given anything i wanted ever since i was a child n din noe e significance of sharing n considering bout how e others felt....everything in my life was jus me, myself n mine....but den knowing God has allowed me 2 realise tt its a joy 2 share...of coz im not saying tt He came n tell me i mus share.....but experiences in church n sch have exposed me into bcumin a betta person...less self-centred n putting others...esp gd frens above self....my current philosophy is i wan my frens 2 haf e best...i wanna gif my best 2 God n succeed in his Glory...in my journey n path back 2 finding God i haf so mani 2 thank.....
1st of all thank my cousin Ivan 4 tryin 2 get me back 2 church since last year Alpha...w/o e constant reminder i wldnt b a changed person now...thanks pal...not forgetting cousin Germaine too...whu tok crap 2 me in church when im bored...hahaha...aunt jasmine whu is always so holy n imparting so much biblical knowledge 2 me....kinda applied 2 every part of my life....
Pastor Darren 4 believing in my abilities n always so encouraging...constantly so on about my attendance in church...also thanks 4 recruiting me into youth worship team....its gr8 fun being able 2 join u guys in worship team...sis samantha 4 always tryin 2 keep int touch wif my life n always nv fail 2 greet me wif tt warm smile every sunday when i feel so sian sumtimes...hahaha...bro alvin 4 always nagging at me 2 attend cell grp....thanks 4 being e pillar of stronghold in our tertiary cell...w/o bro alvin a lot of cell meeting cannot make it liao...hahaha....not forgetting sis isabella too...nv failing 2 show her undying care, concern n luv 4 e youth in church....my ex-mentor sis xiaoyan too...4 being veri supportive towards me n all e efforts 2 bring me back 2 church....see...now IM BACK! hahaha....currently she's like busy wif her kids...veri long nv tok 2 her le...hahah...
of coz veri veri impt person i sure wun forget 2 thank will b none other den BARNEY....hahaha...hmmm....4 pple out dere hu dunno hus barney dun b mistaken....tts not her real name....its jus a nick....where got pple name so lame 1...noeing barney mus haf been 1 of e greatest ting tt happened in my life...im realli serious leh...e happie bubbly n rubbish gal tt nv failed 2 cheer me up whenever im down...hu nv ever made me felt tt i was ever alone even in my most dire state...n also e 1 hu made me realise e significance n importance of God in my life...thanks barney...u haf been a wonderful n great fren.... always acting cute (ok la quite cute sumtimes..but ONLI sumtimes), always live 2 irritate, always borrowing stuff n nv return, always get me 2 bring TYS 4 u coz u tink its 2 heavy, always acting close n demure in front of my mom and grandma...n also teaching n showing me e way 2 b a gd fren by setting an excellent example...a million thanks barney...thanks 4 all e little encouragements here n dere....n e little surprise jus b4 promos...u touched me realli....so sad tt u left NY le...but nvm...still my ever gd fren....coz gd frens are forever de...u study n work hard....i'll always b supporting u all e wae okie?!?! jia you!!!
glad tt so mani tings took place in my life 4 dis 2 years.....all dis transformed me 4 e betta i noe....tings may not turn out e wae we wan it initially but as long as we trust God everything will turn out fine eventually....at least tts wat i believe in...wat about u??!! heeheeZ!?!
& Monokuro Boo ;
4:49 PM
Thursday, October 21, 2004 hmmm....had a veri veri gd tok wif dadday yest nite...or shld i sae veri veri early mrng....was discussing wif him my uni plans...sort of overseas uni plans....we tok frm 3am till 5am...boy it was tiring but at least i finalli understood daddy had e best intentions 4 me...mommy was also veri supportive....i told dad i wanted 2 go 2 Yale Uni in e US....he said im too ambitious??!! am i realli too ambitious? makes me realli wonder....its gd 2 haf an aim....its gd 2 set targets....but b realistic...tts wat daddy said...veri veri logical...makes lotsa sense too....but i realli wanna achieve e aim of gg 2 study in Yale...daddy said tt those hu make it 2 uni such as Yale n Harvard r like world's top 10%...n according 2 him my intellects r onli 25% of those pple...im still wae 2 far frm their abilities...2 sum extent i tink dad is right....BUT still i wanna try...i dun believe wif hard work n determination i cant get anywhere near dere...
hmmm....dad also said tt if i realli wanna make it 2 Yale...i mus change e wae i approach my studies....he sae e grades B,C,C n C5 is too trivial...n he believes i can do betta den jus BCC....n i noe tt....i mus not b so contented or even conceited wif my results...coz dad believes i can get triple A grades....n i noe i can....its jus whether i wan it or not.....n after hearing wat daddy said i made up my mind.....I WAN TRIPLE As...im gonna make sure tt happens.....i mus approach my studies wif a burning passion of wanting 2 noe more n find out more....i wanna go 2 Yale...n im gonna prove 2 myself n not disappoint every1 tt put their hopes n trust wif me...
daddy tinks tt i still young at 18....tinkin veri different....still a bit naive sumtimes....dare 2 dream...veri veri big dreams sum more....he said he understands wat im tinkin coz he was once young too....but he said dun b too ambitious coz at e end of e dae i'll b disappointed.....i noe i sound illogical 2 suddenly cum home n start blabbering bout wanting 2 go 2 Yale 2 study....guess my parents got quite shock out of a sudden too....i mean afterall i havent been such a high performer in my studies till recently...n i was touched when dad sae financially i need not worri coz it isnt my duty 2 worry as he'll provide n worry tt 4 me....he said 80-90 K isnt much of a big deal 2 him n he definitely can support me thru an overseas education in Yale if i can make it dere....no need go n stress myself take S paper 2 apply scholarship....but nevertheless its also good 2 try takin S paper 4 experience sake....as long as i dun put those money 2 waste dad sae tt he realli dun mind spending tt huge amt of money on my studies...wow....thanks a lot daddy n mommy 4 always being so supportive n encouraging....nv once forsaking me even at my most dire state...now tt im standing up so strong once again is no doubt largely coz of ur encouragement n faith tt u all had in me...thanks a lot.....i dun always sae tt 2 u all but i realli mean it a lot when i do sae it.....frm e bottom of my heart....luv ya lots....im realli so touched....hu else can haf greater parents den mine....so glad tt im so so so fortunate....thank God 4 blessing me wif wonderful parents n frens....thank God 4 helpin me tide thru difficult times n also in time 2 cum....nuthin can get betta den watever i haf now i guess.....but hu noes.....betta tings mite b installed 4 me in e future.....i mean afterall my future isnt tt bleak....in fact its brighter den ever...i mus continue or shld i sae improve on my method of studyin in order 2 excel more....no doubt i can do it....wif all e support i haf....all tts provided 4 me....wat more can i ask 4....now its time 4 me 2 show wat im supposed 2 show....bright future....all e wae.....!!
& Monokuro Boo ;
6:37 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004 sorta e last dae of sch todae 4 me dis year...coz ive got no business in project work n chinese exams...so no need 2 attend sch 4 e whole of next week except mayb fridae 2 collect results...a little dumb 2 cum all e wae down 2 sch jus 2 take a piece of result slip home....wat e hell...but bo bian....cannot take earlier...so wait lor....hmmm...veri contented over my own promos results...got a B for maths, C for econs n C for history....not forgetting C5 for GP....so basically is met all my targets except maths which i aimed 4 an A....nvm....wae 2 go...try harder next year....try until i achieve my A grade if not I"ll NEVER NEVER give up...!! mite b offering S paper for history too...but 1st gotta go thru interview wif arts HOD den c how....but likely 2 get it coz all my grades C n above moreover i did pretty well 4 history too....which came as rather shocking...but wats new aniwae...hahaha...
gr8 tt i dun hafta attend sch animore....i wanna start my own revision at home 4 next year....so tt i can full force e moment i step into sch next year...sounds veri vigourous n fast-paced...i guess tts wat JC life is all about...i aim 2 take e S paper...apply 4 overseas scholarship 2 e US n further my studies dere hopefully...all e wae man...im all ready...hmmm...mayb b4 tt gotta do smthg bout my GP...cannot get jus C5 la...mus at least B4 n above den can make it...wow...i was tinking bout all e uni in e US since TCP told me bout e prospects of taking a S paper...sounds damn good lor...can further studies in Harvard?? UCLA?? MIT?? woohoo...a little bit 2 early 2 tink so far mayb....but its gd 2 dream sumtimes too...makes one happie...jus like ME....hahhaa...i'll of coz not onli dare 2 dream but dare 2 prove....so 1,2,3....GO...hmmm....of coz big dreams n aspirations haf its price 2 pay....n tts is WORK HARD...so 4 now im gg do all my hols hmwk...hahah...so not much freedom afterall.....
& Monokuro Boo ;
10:00 AM
Sunday, October 17, 2004 hmmm...time 2 go back 2 sch officially tml...its official.....officially without e J2s also....hmmm.....i onli haf 1 reason 2 go back 2 sch tml....its bcoz i wan my promos results back....i wanna c if i haf justified all dis mths of hard work...i MUS prove my worth....but im not ready 2 go....not ready 2 start off another chapter in NY...not w/o my frens....its rather foolish 2 sae smthg like tt now.....but i noe myself.....im not ready at all.....mayb i need sum more time....jus like e 1st dae i stepped into NY...i needed time 2 adapt 2 my new environment......its not tt my environment changed...but e most impt ting 2 me is tt my frens r gone....dey haf left NY....its worst den a change in environment....ive never felt dis sad b4.....not even when i had 2 leave sec sch....gg 2 sch tml jus feels like gg 2 sch 4 e 1st time all over again....i hate starting all over again.....it feels like i ve nuthin at all.....no1 wif me....no1 2 lend support frm...no1 2 borrow a shoulder even when i need 1 2 cry on....how sad can my life can huh?!?! i wanna move on....i realli wan 2....but always seems like ive smthg i cannot let go.....smthg which i keep clutchin so tightly n refuse 2 let go.....its e same ting frm e beginning of e year till now....i mus realli learn 2 let go......or mus i realli do so?!?! .....wo hen bu she de.....
& Monokuro Boo ;
11:52 PM
Friday, October 15, 2004 
my class...03A6...
.....barney...li-bing....n....me.....
...so mei hor...geez!
& Monokuro Boo ;
12:24 AM
Thursday, October 14, 2004 a blink of e eye...graduation ceremony 4 e J2s is over...its 1 dae after alreadi...wah...much as i din wanna go 2 sch 2 c dem off...i still went aniwae...part of me still belong dere i tink...so its like part of me has actualli left NY too...nope...i din cry...jus had 2 put up wif e happie look when i wasnt any happier...seeing everybody leaving sch yest was hard...saeing bye was even harder...but all hidden behind tt smile on my face...gaf amanda a big hug yest b4 leaving...when i heard her saeing '...i'll miss u a lot..."...i wanted 2 sae tt 2 her too....but i cldnt speak up...i knew if i did i wld cry...jus din wanna sae anything...jus a big hug...an action speaks louder den words...
tok a lot wif ah ng...my last year civics tutor...spoke 2 her bout how i felt bout dis whole year in sch...miary,cheeks n cousin came over n bid gd bye coz dey had 2 go 4 bbgt stuff...seeing dem walk off dis time round created a different feeling...its like dis time walk off le...no more next time le...ping den came over after tt 2 inform us how rubbish barney is bout wanting 2 attend burger's guitar concert 4 his Lit students...as usual barney is 'si xing bu gai'..but tt nonsense took my mind off 4 awhile...at least at tt moment i was laughing....frm e bottom off my heart de...continued toking 2 ah ng 4 a while more den also sae bye bye le...went back inside class 2 c wat i got 4 e exchange gift thingy...got sanie's pressie...veri nice...a lot of stuff inside...including dis rubber band 2 tie hair...i dunno tie wat also...not enuff hiar 2 tie...but i'll still keep it coz its realli pretty...e zip-pouch also veri nice...so r e socks...gr8 colour...took a pic wif ping n barney...isit 4 1 last time?!?
idled 4 a little moment more den left sch wif barney n long...dey din noe y dey came 2 sch 4 yest coz it was such a short dae...made me tot of e same thing..."wat e heck was i doin in sch yest?!?!"...but i noe de...had farewell gifts 2 gif dem...had 2 sae gd bye...though not a single "GOOD BYE" came out frm my mouth...i merely waved most of e time...or jus said "bye"...cldnt bring myself 2 sae e word "GOOD"....how gd can a bye get aniwae...walked wif barney n long 2 their bus-stops...another bye 2 barney at e bus-stop (hopefully not last...) den n i left wif long on bus 53 on e opposite side...even taking bus 53 wif long seem 2 b e last time...haiz...everything came along wif e tag "LAST TIME" yest...
went hm n started 2 idle ard e whole dae...watched tv n slacked a lot...left at evening time 2 go grandma's place...slack dere again...came home...continued watchin HK VCD...barney called n tok frm 145-245am...as usual conversation started off at 1 matter but den dunno how it linked until in e end tok shit...n arguments after arguments...but tts e fun of it...but after another "BYE"...haiz...put down fone le...decided 2 go slp...off all e lights...cant slp...my mind jus kept cumin up wif bad tots...it suddenly struck me..."we stepped into NY together...so sorrie...i din keep 2 my promise...we cant leave together...ive let u down..."...it jus came into my mind...at tt moment i was so drowned wif sorrow...tink it was e exact feelin ive been struggling wif 4 e whole dae...sobz...cannot stop cryin...it jus came 2 me so suddenly...i din noe wat happened too...had another long conversation wif God...cried myself 2 bed...but at least i noe tt wif God...i wun hafta sae gd bye...coz i noe He will b dere 4ever de...woke up dis aftn...PUFFED UP eyes...both sides of my pillow still wet...wah...veri tired...almost cant open up my eyes...
anithing changed after yest? mayb my puffed up eyes...besides tt anymore? dunno...dun wish 2 tink bout it le....
& Monokuro Boo ;
3:00 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004 whoa...promos over le...time 2 slack ard...hmmm...no need 2 go sch 4 e whole of dis week...nt intending 2 go 4 e bo liao LEAPS carnival n sch open house dis thur n fri...no business 2 b in sch at all...13th october...2 daes more...time 4 J2s 2 leave NY le...i prepared little farewell gifts 4 dem...still a little reluctant 2 c dem go...but den its jus a matter of time tt ive 2 let go...wonder how life will b in sch without dem...apparently sch wun b tt fun le ba...no more lame n cold rubbish...no more crapping ard so carefreely...i jus knew i wld b realli sad dis graduation ceremony...i was meant 2 b part of it...im supposed 2 b happie 2gether wif all of dem...or mayb at least glad 2 graduate wif dem...but i onli haf myself 2 blame ba...i onli can b happie 4 dem lor...however i still tink tt its worthwhile repeating another year...coz if nt 4 tt...i wld nt noe how mani boundaries i cld cross...how much potential i realli had 4 my studies...if not 4 e sch's decision 2 make me stay another year...i wldnt noe tt i cld haf a taste of success in college...e used 2 b impossible is no longer tt impossible le...i finalli noe wat is called hard work pays...but e price 2 pay is high...much 2 high...its realli no joke 2 b in a position like mine...proud 2 sae i survived thru a traumatising year like dis...or rather almost a year...jus 1 more year 2 go...n i'll b out of dis...hafta make dis extra year spent worthwhile...promise not 2 let it go 2 waste...wif all my heart n soul...i'll strive 4 e best...dis is e onli ting tts within my control...since i cant change things ard me i can onli focus on those tings i can try changing...mayb i shld change myself or smthg...mayb change my mindset tt sayin gd bye is hard...it shld nt b tt hard afterall...i dunno...jus try......
hmmm...hw am i 2 spend my 12 weeks of so called break...its onli e 3rd dae of my break n im so bored alreadi...tot of borrowing HK vcd frm my uncle 2 watch at home...mayb later go collect dem so tt i can start watchin...local tv channels realli haf no gd shows 2 watch in e aftn...evening time also not any betta...bo bian gotta watch vcd lor...everybody havin upcoming exams...cannot disturb dem...also not close 2 ani of my present classmates...not realli interested 2 disturb dem la...so jus 4get it...mayb being a loner next year mite do me sum gd coz onli den i can start working hard w/o distractions 4 e As...sounds veri anti-social...but nvm lor...cant always haf so mani company...so gotta learn 2 b independent also lor...i mean wat can i do...or isit jus another excuse 4 me nt wanting 2 get 2 noe my classmates betta...HAIZ...i realli dun wanna tink bout it...my mind is always filled wif so mani tots whenever i tink of all dis...it links frm 1 issue 2 another...suan le...dun wanna tink so much...let nature take its course...surely tings will cum betta...or shld i sae i HOPE tt tings will bcum betta...well...pray n hope......
& Monokuro Boo ;
6:40 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 finalli e history paper is over...so relieved...more confident 4 all e papers tt ive done 4 dis promos as compared 2 last year...but i dun realli dare 2 sae anything more coz hu noes wats gonna happen till e results r out....haiz....i dunno y i suddenly feel so lost todae...wat exactly is tt feeling? im supposed 2 b feeling happie todae....coz e hist paper....e 1 tt i fear most is finalli over...but wat is happening 2 me....im not ani happier....is tt a sign of depression? i realli dunno...yes indeed the papers were manageable n i realli gotta sae i survived thru all e papers so far......realli not my own credit but i gotta thank God 4 helping me tide thru dis period of uncertainty....if dere 1 qns i wanna ask Him it wld b wat happened again.....i survived e most feared paper but y arent i ani happier now....i jus feel so down out of a sudden...argh....i tink im goin mad n crazy...a state of imbalance....im veri veri irritated by my own com coz it crashed n now i cant even on e com properly....how 2 tell daddy....sure kena until veri jialat frm him....argh....all my 500 plus songs in my com gone.....n now cant use at all.....how la?!?! sumbody help....im like using daddy's laptop secretly now coz he's out.....i realli dunno how 2 tell him bout my com's condition....GOD pls help.....i'll try telling him tml tt my poor com crashed......n i realli hope he understands tt i did not delibrately caused it 2 crash.....i dun even noe wat e heck happened 2 it n now its dead....i tink im goin 2 bcum like my com.....i also goin 2 crash.....havent been slpg well 4 e past 2 daes....i shld i sae havent even been slpg 4 e past few daes....mayb onli yest i caught a wink at ard 4am in e mrng till 11 coz hist paper was in e aftn at 1pm todae.....n now i feel so dead frm e accumulated effects of insufficient rest.....tml is maths paper....a paper tt im least worried 4 yet now im also feeling worried.....haiyo....c la....i dunno wats happening 2 me....exams make me mad...no doubt bout tt.....everytime exam onli i feel veri veri lost.....i mus force myself go n rest...cannot go on like dis.....if go on tml i sure collaspe le....feel zombified.....argh.....life sux 4 e time being....i cant wait 4 e tense period 2 b over...i wan my life back......I NEED A BREAK frm all these.....
& Monokuro Boo ;
8:09 PM
